so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
