Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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