all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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