I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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