I met the friendliest cop last night
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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