so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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