Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
