she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
