I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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