Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
