I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
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I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
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I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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