dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
