Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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