Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
