bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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