I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
