i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
