So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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