so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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