I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
