my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
