Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
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thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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