when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
