I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
