what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
