I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
