I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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