Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
is this the sara with the beer cane?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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