I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
