I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
