If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
