There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
