I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
