I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
