I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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