when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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