I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So much rum. So many feels.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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