so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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