I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
