dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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