It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
