She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
