how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
