Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I sprained my soul last night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
