I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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