he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
