that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
