3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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