mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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