You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
