Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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