when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
