mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
