he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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