it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
ok first of all what the fuck
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
