I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
