i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
