So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
