More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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