My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
