I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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